I really didn’t know if I wanted to publish this, but what’s the point of having your own website if you don’t just put stuff out there and make yourself vulnerable.
Aside from suffering from ADHD — and likely Autism but insurance won’t cover my testing for an official diagnosis — since I was eight, I’ve been dealing with severe anxiety and depression for the better part of 10 years. However, it didn’t get as bad as it is until I worked for a company called Range Marketing in Buffalo. I had never had belief or confidence issues in myself until that company.
It was a place with management that made me feel absolutely useless and worthless in my abilities day in, day out. From being told I wasn’t good enough to develop basic websites to even being subtly told that maybe moving my career in a different direction was the best option. It was an absolute nightmare situation that I needed to stay in because I am the sole income of my household with a family of 4.
Ever since being let go the day after Thanksgiving 2020 (at the end of the day, mind you), I’ve constantly fought myself both personally and professionally about not being good enough.
Not being a good enough person; a good enough friend; a good enough father; a good enough husband; a good enough developer; a good enough journalist; a good enough interviewer; a good enough…anything.
Despite countless hours of therapy, different medications, and other treatment methods, I still can’t get over that feeling. No matter what I do, I always feel I’m not good enough. I end each day upset because I didn’t do “enough”. I question every decision I make so much that I never feel like I get anything done. Instead, I constantly start and restart everything.
I’ve been a journalist for almost 14 years; a developer, for seven. Still, no matter what I accomplish, I still feel I could’ve done better. I still feel like nothing is worth being proud of.
I always feel like I’m annoying my coworkers, managers, editors, family, or whomever with any question I have. All because I was told I wasn’t good enough and at one point during my firing from that company was told I “asked too many questions about things”. I know I shouldn’t have let a single company that clearly didn’t care do as much damage to me mentally as that place has, but it’s so tough to just let it go. I can’t just get over it. I just think back to that day constantly.
I think about telling my then-pregnant wife that I lost my job. I think about trying to explain why and what they told me. I think about how I’m going to support my family of soon-to-be four. And I think about NEVER wanting to experience that ever again.
I know posting this makes it seem I’m looking for sympathy, but I’m not. Please believe me. I’m just getting this out there for my own therapy and to hopefully convince others to not let it get as bad as it’s gotten me.
You are good enough. Don’t let anyone, especially a place that doesn’t care about you as a person, ever make you think otherwise. Because when I tell you getting out of that dark place is the hardest battle, it’s not hyperbole.
I hate this. The daily panic attacks caused by fear of letting my family down. The daily thoughts of will tomorrow be the day everything comes crashing down. The daily thoughts of if I’m being a father my children can look up to, or the husband my wife can be proud of. It never stops. It just brings me to tears. And no matter what I do, I can’t shake it.
Don’t become me. Don’t let someone make you feel as worthless as I’ve felt for the last two-plus years.